Karaoke Contest Recap

Barbies, Balls, and Somebody to Love

By Diana M.

“No one’s coming,” sighed Worky as he strolled into Hifi with his shades, stick, and hockey bag. I was holding a bag of 100 hot dog wieners as those three words hung in the air. Darlene behind the bar called over “You want a drink, hon?” It was just the three of us in there, apart from whatever was crawling under the floorboards, and it was almost 6pm. 

Worky getting the crowd warmed up.

An hour and a half later, Hifi was packed, Craig was in the DJ booth, Donut was asleep on the bench, and we were ready to rock. The entries started trickling in with Cro, Schuie and Amy (math) as the first brave souls to step up in front of the crowd. Newman grabbed a Miller Lite at the end of the bar and nodded, “Mind if I turn the volume up on the game over here?” No one was sure what to expect, but pretty soon Schuie’s balls were out, Amy was wailing “COME ON BABY” and Cro got country with some Garth Brooks. “I heard ‘low places’ at a titty bar in PA the other night, and have had it in my head ever since, “ he explained. 

The first round heated up when Derek and Eli moistened everyone’s drawers with an inspired “I Want It That Way.” As the song concluded, murmurs among the btsh crowd indicated they may have wanted it “any other possible way.”

Derek and Eli singing their favorite childhood song.

“I’d like to say it’s my shoulder sending me home, but I honestly need to lay down after that one,” said Coco, her brow furrowed. “I haven’t been this confused since I accidentally downloaded Grindr instead of Tinder.”

The crowd was primed by Liz Boylan’s on-point “Part of Your World” when Coach took some Tums, and the stage, and taught us that he is really all about that bass as he belted out “Brandy.”

The Little Mermaid of BTSH.

Nicholas sauntered up on stage next, and dedicated his song, “1985”, to his Mom. “It’s the year she was born,” he added as the opening bars started to play. 

 “Aw, man, that is so sweet,” said a smiling Amy Donohue as she wiped a single tear from her cheek. She glanced down at her watch, “It’s getting late though, who’s putting him down after this?”

Contestants eagerly anticipating judgement. 

When it was time to narrow it down, the crew remaining included Schuie, Amy (Math), Derek & Eli, and Emily. “I’m so honored that I get to share the stage with these guys,” said Emily as she gestured to Derek and Eli. “I’m just fooling around but they are really, really talented.” 

“AMEN!” came out from the crowd as a muffled yell. I looked over to see Sam Norris wave and happily stuff two wieners in his mouth. 

The finalist lined up their next songs and the championship round began. Schuie killed with his falsetto in “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” Amy gave us somebody to love, Derek and Eli’s refrain of “Come on Barbie let’s go party” lit up Avenue A, and Emily silenced the crowd with the opening line of “Someone Like You.” 

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“This is pretty amazing,” said Coach shaking his head. “Truly amazing. I mean, how the FUCK did I not make it to the final round?” I took a sip of my 37th Pinot Grigio. 

When the crowd’s cheers were tallied, Worky’s face grew serious as the gravity of the moment hit him — “We’re going to need a tie-breaker.” In the BTSH spirit of limping to the finish line, the finalists were able to select from a group of songs they had no interest in singing, and for extra intrigue the timing of the music and words on screen were clearly a few seconds apart. “I can’t work like this,” said Amy. Meanwhile, Derek could be seen nodding on the phone outside, as he and his manager explored the possibility of dropping Eli. Schuie played a game of Candy Crush. 

D-Tags sending out an open challenge to whole league.

In the end, Amy reigned supreme, and Math took home the gold. The Anklebiters proudly high-fived their own runner-up, Schuie, for his big balls in the first round, and his ability to remove them for the second. To all the BTSH’ers present, thanks for bringing the fun, and the ridiculousness out on Sunday.