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Three Stars of Week 11

By Rachel Greene

THIRD STAR
Alex Rockoff of the Gremlins

Gremlins have long been yellow (going as far back as the days of Unicorns), but never before has it presented a problem with bees. This week rookie sensation, Alex Rockoff, forgot his beekeepers equipment and got stung by a bee mid-game. Now while this would send most of you (okay, us) running for the hills or the ER. It didn't stop him a bit. The kid continued to play the entire game with a stinger in his arm. He sure was dedicated to making a good impression on his new team, or he just likes sports. Who knows? Way to go all Stacy Kehoe by displaying your toughness and grace, Alex. Welcome to BTSH.

SECOND STAR

Sam the Drunk Ref

Everyone's favorite drunk ref came up with an amazing drunk idea...guess what? It's actually a good idea. Turns out, like many of his drunk ideas, it wasn't even his idea. The second star this week goes to the De-escalation Card. If you were around for any of the three games Sam Norris reffed, you might have seen him pull a green card. No, Olivier, it doesn't mean you get citizenship. It means y'all need to calm the F down. 

De-escalation Card! Rule number one, son.

FIRST STAR
Gut Rot, BITCHES!

Guys, can you guess who got the first star this week?! Was it Instant Karma? Math? The TSP Hawk? Nope. You all guessed wrong. It's GUT ROT, dummieeeeeeees! Every week, the other 18 teams (other than the actual opponents), stand on the sidelines, beers in hand, cheering on the league darlings, Gut Rot. Then every week, we drop a tear in our beer for our beloved Gut Rot. NOT THIS WEEK. You think they were celebrating Pride in the West Village any louder than we were celebrating this victory? Probably not. Hillary was there? Whatever, we had Tommy Cho. T. Cho for President!!!

July - September Schedule

JULY

July 10th - Week 12
1 pm
Gouging Anklebiters at Sky Fighters - East
Butchers at Instant Karma - West
2 pm
Poutine Machine at Mega Touch - East
Filthier at Cobra Kai - West
3 pm
LBS, Inc. at Gremlins - East
Mathematics at Fuzz - West
4:30 pm
Denim Demons at Fresh Kills - East
Tompkins Square Riots at What The Puck - West
5:30 pm
Dark Rainbows at Gut Rot - East
Rehabs at Corlears Hookers - West

July 17th - Week 13
1 pm
Instant Karma at Cobra Kai - East
Tompkins Square Riots at Butchers - West
2 pm
Filthier at Fuzz - East
Poutine Machine at What The Puck - West
3 pm 
Fresh Kills at Gouging Anklebiters - East
Dark Rainbows at Gremlins - West
4:30 pm
Gut Rot at Mega Touch - East
Corlears Hookers at Mathematics - West
5:30 pm
LBS, Inc. at Rehabs - East
Denim Demons at Sky Fighters - West

July 24th - Week 14
1 pm
Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots - East
Gremlins at Sky Fighters - West
2 pm
What The Puck at Fresh Kills - East
Rehabs at Gut Rot - West
3 pm 
Butchers at LBS, Inc. - East
Instant Karma at Filthier - West
4:30 pm 
Gouging Anklebiters at Dark Rainbows - East
Fuzz at Poutine Machine - West
5:30 pm
Corlears Hookers at Mega Touch - East
Cobra Kai at Denim Demons - West

July 31st - OFF (because it is hot???)

AUGUST

August 7th - Week 15
1 pm
Filthier at LBS, Inc. - East
Mega Touch at Gremlins - West
2 pm
Tompkins Square Riots at Cobra Kai - East
Gouging Anklebiters at Mathematics - West
3 pm 
Rehabs at Denim Demons - East
Fresh Kills at Butchers - West
4:30 pm 
Sky Fighters at Instant Karma - East
What The Puck at Gut Rot - West
5:30 pm 
Corlears Hookers at Fuzz - East
Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows - West

August 14th - Week 16
1 pm
Dark Rainbows at Fuzz - East
Instant Karma at Denim Demons - West
2 pm
Fresh Kills at Mathematics - East
LBS, Inc. at Corlears Hookers - West
3 pm
Mega Touch at Rehabs - East
Gut Rot at Cobra Kai - West
4:30 pm
Butchers at Gremlins - East
What The Puck at Gouging Anklebiters - West
5:30 pm
Tompkins Square Riots at Poutine Machine - East
Filthier at Sky Fighters - West

August 21st - Week 17
1 pm
Corlears Hookers at Filthier - East
LBS, Inc. at Poutine Machine - West
2 pm
Sky Fighters at Fresh Kills - East
Cobra Kai at Instant Karma - West
3 pm
Gut Rot at Mathematics - East
Fuzz at Rehabs - West
4:30 pm
Gremlins at Tompkins Square Riots - East
Mega Touch at Dark Rainbows - West
5:30 pm 
Butchers at What The Puck - East
Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters - West

August 28th - OCEAN CITY TOURNAMENT - see Worky of the Gouging Anklebiters for details

September 4th - Holiday Weekend

September 11th - Week 18
12:30 pm
Gremlins at Cobra Kai - East
Butchers at Mega Touch - West
1:30 pm 
Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows - East
Gouging Anklebiters at Fuzz - West
2:30 pm
Poutine Machine at Gut Rot - East
Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers -West
4 pm 
Mathematics at Rehabs - East
Denim Demons at Filthier - West
5 pm
Instant Karma at What The Puck - East
LBS, Inc. at Fresh Kills - West

September 18th - Rain Fears Games
12:30 pm
1:30 pm
2:30 pm
4 pm
5 pm

TBT (aka Facing Backwards), BTSH Photo Challenge (RE-POST)

UPDATE: the submission date for entries has been extended until Tuesday, June 28^th.  

By Rachel Greene

Hey BTSHers,

On this day (June 16th), four score and seven years (okay a decade) ago, BTSH celebrated itself and its competitive drinking and eating abilities with a time honored tradition, Johnson's Olympics.  Luckily for us, Phil Donahue's phone recently vomited up this photo.  Let's get back to our competitive roots and see who can identify the most people in this photo.  Winner gets a court-side beverage of my choosing.  Please e-mail me, reg92181@gmail.com, your guesses by Tuesday, June 28th and we'll announce the winner next week.  

Happy Hunting!

Week 11 Previews: Part II

Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots

Salmon at the Net (Riots ‘n Rainbows)

by the Third Division Poet Laureate Broderick Barnstable Claytonwickington III, Esq.

True Rainbow Warrior. 

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Riots’ squad that day;

the score stood four to two with ninety seconds left to play.

And then when Jonesy deked and shot and saw their goalie palm it,

the stomachs of the stalwart Riots readied for to vomit.

The drunken fans considered turning toward the other game

but Hookers versus Anklebiters just wasn’t the same.

And so they cursed the Rainbows, and also cursed their kin

for robbing all the Riots of their latest chance to win.

But a line change brought in Townsend, and Dr. Corinaldi,

as well as some free agent sub the crowd had nicknamed Baldy.

Camber from the Rainbows chortled, scoffed, and called it “in the bank,”

when all the sudden, one went in! A shot tapped in by Vanck.

With half a minute left to go, six skaters to their credit,

and with the refs all eighty-sixed on three-buck Manischewitz,

the Riots’ soldiers charged upon the net like LeBron James

and suddenly, ‘twas overtime—MacNeil had tied the game!

The extra minutes dripped out slow like ketchup from glass bottles,

all Riots and all Rainbows giving all and at full throttle.

But nothing passed by Longwell, and none passed Gil de Rubio;

the only noise in Tompkins the sad sax man’s low Sussudio.

And so it went to shootout. Josh Wilson’s shot got blocked;

and Suz faked left but lost the ball (and for it she got mocked);

and Rem made for the five-hole, but it hopped into Dave’s chest;

and Loken missed by shooting east when meaning to shoot west.

Bernstein, though, he swung his stick and buried one top shelf,

leaving one last Riot one last chance to prove himself.

They called him Charlie Salmon, though that was not his name;

with stick in hand he shambled forth with hope to tie the game.

His face was red with pressure and his eyes were popping wide;

his neck was strained with purple veins and tense were both his thighs.

He took a breath and ran the ball up halfway toward the net,

and then a sound boomed violent like a cliff-jumping Corvette—

It made us jump into the air and drop and spill our beers.

There was no sign of Charlie, but a ringing in our ears,

as if he’d teleported, leaving just a dark red stain.

We searched for him for hours, but our effort was in vain.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the band is playing funk;

The sun is shining brightly there, and everyone is drunk.

Indeed, you doubt my story, since you claim that I am loaded.

But there is no joy in Tompkins—Charlie Salmon has imploded.

Prediction: Rainbows 5 SO – Riots 4

Gut Rot at Instant Karma
By Diana Marko

Alllllllllllright. Tommy C is recovered from his honeymoon and probably feeling pretty fresh and ready to run. With Mike in the net for Karma, and Cory on a hot streak, this could be tough for the Gut, who is having a rickety-bicycle-start to the season. Morgen is leading Gut Rot in scoring with one (1) goal - and I feel like she's gonna do it again. Let's see some magic. 

Prediction: Gut Rot 2, Instant Karma 1.

What the Puck at Cobra Kai
By Sam Norris

What’s the deal with Cobra Kai these days?  Have they successfully used Rich’s Fuzz, Ann’s Filthier and Welch’s Rehabs as a decoy while they are building their own superteam?  If this is the first time you’re thinking this, their decoys are working, while they continue to shoot down every last real team in the league.  There is a reason they wear camouflage, and this whole time we thought it was because of that stupid movie…

Cobra Kai's off-season team-building exercise. 

 What the Puck is also a great team.  They are full of talent, some good chemistry, but have even better musicians (nod to Emily and Mike).  With their solid goalie, Jordan, in net and some strong “clear it out” defense, along with a few of The Dude’s very own wooden decoys (Chadwick not provided), they could scrape together a win.

Mike, Chadwick and wood decoy.

This one is too close to call—it’s going into overtime at the score of 2 to 2!

Sky Fighters at Filthier

By Isaac Stewart

The Sky Fighters have reverted to their inconsistent play from 2014.  Miscommunication on defense and lack of scoring has mounted to peak frustration for their first year in formerly known as Katz division.  All this team needs is one game to get their mojo back and build some confidence.  And this could be that game.

Nope.  Couldn’t even write that with a straight face.

Filthier is the team that has overcome early season adversity and found their groove again.  Ann and James have successfully filled the leadership void created by Jenna and Ben’s departure for the Rocky Mountains (and love’s eternal glory!) and have this team thinking a repeat is possible.  Plus the new addition of Jeff brings them back up to the cream of the crop of teams again.

Prediction: Ann stays out of the crease and all of Filthy’s goals count to 5-1.

Mega Touch at Poutine Machine

By Isaac Stewart

Hey, Jo-Jo! The celebration is over here.

Mega Touch’s culture and identity have undergone a bit of a change this season.  While they still haven’t heeded Derek’s advice to employ a goon for the dickish things he does for Math, they’ve definitely added some chippinees to their play.  Not to mention some much needed scoring as well. Alex has found his youth this season and Alok seems to finally be figuring out we're playing hockey.

But what about Poutine?  Jo-Jo and the Brain recruited hard in the off-season and this team has 7 (SEVEN) rookies on it.  They also feature two dudes (Stevie and Grimba) who can dangerously inbound the ball on net from any angle.  And they’ll need for Shutdown Charlotte to shift when Julie does in order to neutralize her throughout the game. 

Prediction: Good game Mega Touch? Not likely. Poutine takes this one 3-2.

P.S. Get well soon Gunner!

Karaoke Contest Recap

Barbies, Balls, and Somebody to Love

By Diana M.

“No one’s coming,” sighed Worky as he strolled into Hifi with his shades, stick, and hockey bag. I was holding a bag of 100 hot dog wieners as those three words hung in the air. Darlene behind the bar called over “You want a drink, hon?” It was just the three of us in there, apart from whatever was crawling under the floorboards, and it was almost 6pm. 

Worky getting the crowd warmed up.

An hour and a half later, Hifi was packed, Craig was in the DJ booth, Donut was asleep on the bench, and we were ready to rock. The entries started trickling in with Cro, Schuie and Amy (math) as the first brave souls to step up in front of the crowd. Newman grabbed a Miller Lite at the end of the bar and nodded, “Mind if I turn the volume up on the game over here?” No one was sure what to expect, but pretty soon Schuie’s balls were out, Amy was wailing “COME ON BABY” and Cro got country with some Garth Brooks. “I heard ‘low places’ at a titty bar in PA the other night, and have had it in my head ever since, “ he explained. 

The first round heated up when Derek and Eli moistened everyone’s drawers with an inspired “I Want It That Way.” As the song concluded, murmurs among the btsh crowd indicated they may have wanted it “any other possible way.”

Derek and Eli singing their favorite childhood song.

“I’d like to say it’s my shoulder sending me home, but I honestly need to lay down after that one,” said Coco, her brow furrowed. “I haven’t been this confused since I accidentally downloaded Grindr instead of Tinder.”

The crowd was primed by Liz Boylan’s on-point “Part of Your World” when Coach took some Tums, and the stage, and taught us that he is really all about that bass as he belted out “Brandy.”

The Little Mermaid of BTSH.

Nicholas sauntered up on stage next, and dedicated his song, “1985”, to his Mom. “It’s the year she was born,” he added as the opening bars started to play. 

 “Aw, man, that is so sweet,” said a smiling Amy Donohue as she wiped a single tear from her cheek. She glanced down at her watch, “It’s getting late though, who’s putting him down after this?”

Contestants eagerly anticipating judgement. 

When it was time to narrow it down, the crew remaining included Schuie, Amy (Math), Derek & Eli, and Emily. “I’m so honored that I get to share the stage with these guys,” said Emily as she gestured to Derek and Eli. “I’m just fooling around but they are really, really talented.” 

“AMEN!” came out from the crowd as a muffled yell. I looked over to see Sam Norris wave and happily stuff two wieners in his mouth. 

The finalist lined up their next songs and the championship round began. Schuie killed with his falsetto in “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” Amy gave us somebody to love, Derek and Eli’s refrain of “Come on Barbie let’s go party” lit up Avenue A, and Emily silenced the crowd with the opening line of “Someone Like You.” 

(insert caption here)

“This is pretty amazing,” said Coach shaking his head. “Truly amazing. I mean, how the FUCK did I not make it to the final round?” I took a sip of my 37th Pinot Grigio. 

When the crowd’s cheers were tallied, Worky’s face grew serious as the gravity of the moment hit him — “We’re going to need a tie-breaker.” In the BTSH spirit of limping to the finish line, the finalists were able to select from a group of songs they had no interest in singing, and for extra intrigue the timing of the music and words on screen were clearly a few seconds apart. “I can’t work like this,” said Amy. Meanwhile, Derek could be seen nodding on the phone outside, as he and his manager explored the possibility of dropping Eli. Schuie played a game of Candy Crush. 

D-Tags sending out an open challenge to whole league.

In the end, Amy reigned supreme, and Math took home the gold. The Anklebiters proudly high-fived their own runner-up, Schuie, for his big balls in the first round, and his ability to remove them for the second. To all the BTSH’ers present, thanks for bringing the fun, and the ridiculousness out on Sunday.

Week 11 Previews: Part 1

By Richiepoothang

Fuzz at Math

Richie's Take:

Elly is going to bore you with stats about how the Elves couldn't beat Math the past few years. And that's true, we couldn't. But the Elves are as dead as Danielle's idea to rename the 2nd division something other than, "The Division Formerly Known as the Newman Division." Or TDFKatND for short(er).  Anyways, which jerseys is Math going to wear? I hope they wear their new equal sign jerseys. We are in the process of getting ">" jerseys. Why strive for equality when you can be better than? Anyways, Math will catch a little break because Steve is out. Steve is kinda like a faster, younger Langer. You know, > version.  But it’s not just Steve who is >. Fuzz is more ethnic than Math. Did you know Gil is Cuban and is a great salsa dancer (seriously)? Is Brad Cuban? Can he salsa? No, and no. Gil > Brad. I squat more than Derek and I'm pretty sure Alyssa is taller than Michelle. Plus everyone loves the Fuzz. So wear your = signs Math. We'll stick to >.

Derek and Eli’s Take:

Crickets…

Prediction: Fuzz 5 - Math 2.

Fresh Kills at Rehabs

'My son Gabriel has taught his fellow Kills how to put multiple plums in the basket.' 

This is Game of the Week material. The Rehabs are the opposite of Norm from Cheers. When Norm walked into the bar, everyone screamed, "NOOOOOORRRRMMMMM!!!!" He was fat, cuddly, lovable, drank a lot and most importantly, everyone knew his name.

No one knows the new Rehabs name. But they are athletic, hate to cuddle, ruthless on the courts and probably drink vitamin water. But two dudes named Carlton and Alex scored two goals each last week vs. the Sky Fighters. Watching the game was like watching tic-tac-toe. The men on the Rehabs embrace the coed part by D to D passing to Sena and try to get it to Ryann on a break whenever possible. New girl Monique is sorta the Carl Hagelin type, just trying to forecheck and eat rebounds in front of the net. And on the rare times things break down, Eric R. is in net. The new media might not like this, but congrats $h0wT!m3, you built yourself a powerhouse.

Meanwhile, Fresh Kills is still the best franchise in the league until someone knocks them off. They won’t have Gabe next week (spoiler), but Tom R., Sheena and of course many other FK's can put the ball in the net. I think this game will come down to two things: Skill and Desire. The Rehabs will beat the Kills in both this Sunday. However, that may not be the case if they meet in the playoffs.

Prediction: 3-2 Rehabs.

Gremmies vs. Butchers

Here's the plan: pass it to Pete or pass it to Drake.

Instant Karma plays at 4:30 and this game is at 2, so Jamie should be fresh for the Gremlins. The thing about the Gremlins is they don't have a lot of elite talent on their team, but they can beat any top division team (like the Demons in last year’s playoffs) because they typically play solid D and Jamie stops a staggering 91% (calculated by Glanzermetrics) of opponent’s shots. Erich may spell his name weird. (Hell, he does spell his name weird.) And so does Maire. (It's actually pronounced Mora.) I don't get it. And for that reason, I feel Pete and Drake will score and Tim will come up big for a 2-1 victory for the team everyone hates, the Butchers. (If we say it, it must be true, right?)

Prediction: The team the Fuzz love to hate will win 2-1.

LBS, Inc. at Denim Demons

Tink, Kamen, Lee, Paul, Coach, Holmstrom, Dandeneau all gone, and yet the Demons are still atop of the BTSH standings. More importantly, how are the Demons so good? Is Josh really that good? No, he's not. I mean he's good, but not that good. Ne guys Eric, Jake, Brad and Katie are more than holding down the fort for the new look Demons. Who btw, have the best new shirt in BTSH.

Meanwhile, over in LBS land, the Old Man Karst(i/a/o/e)n told all the youngins he still got it, by cashing in a hattie last week. Hopefully Isaac gave him a star, he deserved it. (Ahem, he received an honorable mention.) While Tim B. is no Tim K., he's still really good. But as Tim K. likes to tell everyone, he led Filthier to the championship last season. Speaking of champions, will Elizabeth B. be the first female BTSH Hardcore Champion? Did you see her guns in the Facebook site video? I have to say though, I know women like it when men tell them to smile more, but you need to smile less, in that video at least. You are supposed to be tough! You can't break kayfabe and smile at the end.

Prediction: LBS take this one 4-2.

Corlears Hookers at Gouging Anklebiters

Round 2: Fight!

Hold your horses all you sabermetric geeks. The Hookers are still really good. Last week Eitel pumped three past Jamie (while he was playing on his other team, the Gremlins). Tiffany who is now officially old school got two, and Sarah scored one as well. Even some girl whose name I don't know scored. I just know she's not good at hockey. Or any other sport.

Meanwhile, the Anklebiters lost to Mega Touch. GOOD GAME MEGA TOUCH! (Check out that video on the Facebook site.) While most teams would have went home and ran laps after getting shut out, the Anklebiters karaoke'd instead. It's this type of lack of discipline which will cost them the championship that Worky, Phil, and Schuey constantly talk about. That said, I think Probie and Derho show up and Eitel doesn't.

Prediction: So, Anklebiters 3-2 in OT.

(P.S. I couldn't fit you in these Previews Brian Sullivan because I used a wrestling reference instead. You understand.)

Week 11 Schedule

June 26, 2016 Games

1 pm
Fuzz at Mathematics - East
Fresh Kills at Rehabs - West

2 pm
Gremlins at Butchers - East
LBS, Inc. at Denim Demons - West

3 pm
Corlears Hookers at Gouging Anklebiters - East
Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots - West

4:30 pm
Gut Rot at Instant Karma - East
What The Puck at Cobra Kai - West

5:30 pm
Sky Fighters at Filthier - East
Mega Touch at Poutine Machine - West

Week 10's Three Stars: Father's Day Edition

Third Star
Nick Baretta of the Free Agent List

Making the most out of his first days back in America and BTSH, Nick celebrated by lending his talent to some needy teams on Sunday.  He suited up for his old team the Rehabs, put on those nasty league goalie pads for Gut Rot and scored a goal for the Demons.  And then to top it off, he delivered a crowd-pleasing performance in the epic Karaoke Competition at HiFi afterwards.  Come back to town more often, Nick. 

Second Star

Emily Moore of WTP and the all-day ladies of the league                     

Blazing Sundays are back!  And doesn’t Emily know it.  She kicked off the day by going ironman on defense for a team in Walker’s doghouse, proceeded to play in her own game and then subbed in another.  (That last one was a little regrettable.  And we’ll forgive her for it.)  The last we saw of the delirious puddle formerly known as Emily, it had found its way to a barstool desperately trying to rehydrate.

And let’s give it up for all of the other ladies around the league that have made similar sacrifices! Not just Week 10, but all of the Sundays.  To the Danas, the Mias, the Danielles, the Kates and many more.  You rock and you know it!

First Star

Mike Tuckman of Mega Touch and the Fathers of BTSH          

Prior to their teams facing off, Tuckman teamed up with LaCombe of the Anklebiters to create a makeshift outdoor kiddie playroom for their children.  (Toys, tents, doughnuts and even a babysitter!  Oh my!)  On the courts it was all business for both of them with Tuckman edging Craigers by posting a shutout.  Afterwards it was back to friendliness with little Tuck facetiming relatives.

And a nod to all of the other fathers that came out on Sunday to get their hockey on in between spending time with their families.  Here a couple notable performances:

The Pete Wilson of Instant Karma started the day off by brunch’n it up with the fam and then netting two goals for his son who was watching from the park. 

Dave GDR of TSR gave another beautiful effort in net and stole one for him and his teammates. 

While Gilly may not have gotten one past Dave GDR, there’s a life changing event later this week that will have him looking forward to this day next year. 

Happy Father’s Day to all you other Dads!

Honorable Mentions

Jeff of Filthier

(The Demons vs. Filthier game was one of the more polite and friendly matches of the day (insert side eye here) and didn’t go unnoticed that Jeff did his best to stay out of the fray.  Here’s to new beginnings! Good luck, man.)

By Ann Mathews of Filthier

Jeff ‘Kam-en’ (came-in) the Filthier line up pretty seamlessly and helped lead the team to victory versus his old squad.  He kept a cool head as the game got extremely chippy (black eyes, lots of shoving, etc.) and assisted on the game-winning-goal that was scored by his new line-mate Shafiq.  As the minutes wound down and the intensity picked up, his defensive skills were flawless as the Demons pulled their goalie and unleashed a barrage of shots (and stick-checks and elbows to the face, etc.).  Well done, Jeff.

Karsten Pichon of LBS, Inc.

He scored a quarter of a baker’s dozen in the heat with three goals and an assist.   The LBS are off the best start of any team in the league with more quality wins and with Timmy doing Timmy things in the cage.